A New Anthem for Communist Canada, Finally!
Canadians, taken collectively, are not only the smuggest bunch of self-righteous dimwits ever to waste a beautiful piece of geography with their empty existence, but they also have the distinction of comprising the first and only semi-functioning democracy in world history which has made the overt rejection of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness its defining essence and raison d’être.
Canadians, again taken collectively — that is, leaving aside the surviving minority of us who were merely unfortunate enough to have been born in a nation aggressively transitioning into communism, and who have not yet found a satisfactory means of escaping that free man’s living hell — are very proud of not being Americans, although they have no idea what America is. They are very proud of being socialists, although socialism is the single most discredited political philosophy in the history of this planet, and presumably any other. They are very proud of smoking more pot, drinking more beer, and having more late-term abortions than anyone else on Earth. They are proud like nobody’s business of actively promoting the spread of Islamism, the epidemic of welfare-dependency, and the growth of that grand mechanism of global tyranny, global human trafficking, global warming propaganda, global anti-Semitism, and global globalism called the United Nations.
But above all else, Canadians are proud of being free. Free of moral principles. Free of any guiding political philosophy. Free of any reservations about stealing other people’s property, other people’s labor, other people’s rights to life, or other people’s freedom of speech. Free of any shame about repeatedly electing as prime minister Pierre Trudeau, an avowed admirer of Mao, apologist for the Soviet Union, and personal friend of Fidel Castro. Free of any compunction about compounding that world-historical idiocy by electing as prime minister Trudeau’s foppish son Justin, the world’s first brain-free head of government.
And now, to further pursue its noble project of freeing Canada from everything indicative of dignified human life, Canada’s parliament, led by Pretty Boy’s Liberal Party, has completed an important symbolic step in its fight to free Canada once and for all from the oppressive horror of non-gender-neutral language.
Canada’s national anthem, “O Canada,” has always been a rickety, tawdry thing, almost lacking in melody and with lyrics that merely repeat the same idea over and over for ten lines — and yet it still falls into literal repetition for the last two of those lines, as though the author couldn’t even come up with one more slightly different way of saying nothing. (The French version, which is the original, fares slightly better as poetry as its imagery is more concrete and more explicitly religious, but in the end is still a bunch of romantic flourish essentially devoid of value.)
But now it’s even better! Finally, one of the few images in the English lyrics that actually sounds like traditional poetic English — “True patriot love in all thy sons command” — has been jettisoned by communist decree (aka parliamentary votes) in favor of the cacophonous butchery of “True patriot love in all of us command.”
The reason, of course, is that the word “sons” is sexist and gender-discriminatory. Gosh, for over a century women, homosexuals, Margaret Atwood, and frankly just anyone who felt gender-undecided in any way, has been left feeling excluded from Canada and its patriotic symbolism, due to that that horribly violating and abusive “sons.”
Of course, this change was long overdue. How could a country carry on in this state of virtual linguistic apartheid? Oh, the humanity!
Well, now that’s taken care of, and we can all breathe a sigh of relief at last. Or can we?
But wait a moment. What about the rest of the language in “O Canada”? How does it get a pass? If those who do not self-identify as “sons” are finally to be recognized and included by changing “thy sons” to “all of us,” in the name of social justice, then why stop there? What about all the other obvious social injustices — i.e., offenses against Marxist purity — embedded in the language of this hideous document which was written in the age before modern Canada’s Savior, Pierre Trudeau, and even before modern Canada’s Moses, Tommy Douglas (socialist hero, advocate of eugenics, and godfather of socialized medicine)?
Let’s get serious about this, shall we? We can’t have old bits of systemic oppression lying around the floor of the revolution, now can we? What would Pierre’s idol, Chairman Mao, say?
Just look at this offensive creature:
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command in all of us command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada!
– Why the exclamation mark? What’s all this extreme nationalism — “O Canada!” — when Canada is a nation that prides itself on internationalism, kowtowing to the UN, and renouncing jingoism of all sorts?
Our home and native land!
– “Home,” fine, but “native land”? (And another exclamation — why?) Canada is a land of immigrants, and the only natives there are the ones who were deprived of their land by the white settlers. Come to think of it, since whites stole the land from the natives, what right have they to call it their “home” at all?
True patriot love in all thy sons command in all of us command.
– Once again, what’s all this nationalistic fervor, and how does it comport with modern Canada, which bases most of its anti-American hatred on the criticism that Americans are so, well, American about everything. Shouldn’t Canadians, if they are to be consistent, send a message that such national “me-first-ism” is antiquated, capitalistic, and unacceptable? And doesn’t the word “patriot” come from the Latin pater, which in turn is from the Greek patēr, father? Well, now! Patriarchal sexism alert!
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
– All this “glowing” and “rising” is obvious phallic imagery related to the patriarchy, and hence implies and glorifies the oppression of women, homosexuals, and the other-gendered. “Strong and free” is a conjunction that deliberately associates a capitalistic concept of freedom with the traditional male virtue of strength, i.e., violent power. Taken together, these two lines are an obvious celebration of male sexual violence and the power lust of capitalist greed.
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
– “From far and wide” is acceptable, since this is a line already modified during the years of Our Socialist Lord, Pierre the Christ. But why must the militaristic concept of “standing on guard” be preserved? Isn’t Canada all about caring, tolerance, compassion, and most of all accepting everyone from everywhere without a background check or any expectation that the person entering the country should not be a “terrorist” (freedom fighter) or in general a despiser of everything DWCs (dead white Canadians) ever stood guard for? Toss it.
God keep our land glorious and free!
– “God”? Seriously? In 2018? Get a life, eh!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.
– Standing on guard again. This is just so antithetical to the (gender-neutral) identity of a nation that prides itself on cradle-to-grave government compassion.
So what we really need here, it seems to me, is a complete rewrite — though maintaining the original melody, which is far more suited to modern Canada’s penchant for syrupy inclusionism and insincere compassion than to the lame patriotism of the old lyrics anyway.
Here we go then — my attempt at a gift to my “native land,” a new national anthem more in the spirit of today’s Canada, the People’s Democratic Republic of Trudeaustan.
And to help you learn it at home, here’s an instrumental version of the anthem, so you can sing along. Enjoy, and wear your Canadian red proudly, comrades! (I know there’s white in the flag too, but we all know what that represents. Gone next year, with any luck.)
Um, Canada,
Our plundered natives’ lands,
True equal pay for all who hold out hands.
Use Marxist words, give no offence,
Choose equal over free!
From far and wide,
To Canada, all cultures over me.
Government give whate’er we need!
Don’t force us to bear the fruit of our seed.
Don’t let us own our lives, because that’s greed.
Canada’s supreme phallic symbol — tear down the patriarchy!
(See also “Defecting from Communist Canada.”)
