Trump-Kim: The Prime Time Reality TV Summit of Doom

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cable news event of the season: Donald Meets Jong-un. Live in U.S. prime time — did you think Donald Trump would have it any other way?

See it all unfold from the comfort of your living room, with pre- and post-game analysis by your Fox News hospitality girls, Sean “Trump is the One True God” Hannity and Sebastian “Anything for Mr. Trump” Gorka.

Among the many tape-delayed highlights you will be told are happening live: 

Donald solemnly shaking hands for the flashing cameras with a tin pot totalitarian slave owner and murderer, thereby putting an unjust ruler and killer on the same plane as any other world leader, as a newly accepted member of “the international community.”

Donald overturning decades of internationally-imposed isolation for the Kim regime with ten minutes of legitimizing photo opportunities, couch chats, smiles for the cameras, and all the rest of the crap that passes for international diplomacy among sovereign nations, but should always be denied — and in the case of the DPRK, has hitherto been denied — to men who starve millions of their own people in a closed society controlled by a diabolical combination of personality cult and secret police.

Donald making the Kim family’s dream come true at last — international significance, the respect of equal footing, and the deference of the civilized world, for their reign of terror, mind-control, and slavery, a reign that has demoralized its population to the point of families selling their daughters to Chinese villages in exchange for rice, and even, according to widespread reports, to the savagery of cannibalism.

Donald holding out the “carrot” of a future invitation to his personal Shangri-La, Mar-a-Lago, thereby spitting in the faces of North Korean exiles desperate to end the Kim dynasty, and on the graves of the regime’s victims, including its American victims — because Donald admires celebrity, any kind of celebrity, more than he cares about the life, suffering, or death of any non-famous human — as a reward for Kim’s successful strategy of using his nuclear weapons as a bargaining chip to intimidate the world into appeasing him.

Don’t miss the live coverage! It’s sure to be the biggest TV politics event of the year, and at least as “real” as anything else on television!

From the reality TV producer who brought you the lowest point in American presidential history — the only man in America capable of making “But Hillary!” sound like a dubious argument — comes the only show this year guaranteed to earn three Nobel Peace Prize nominations, a UN speaking engagement for a walking jelly doughnut cum tyrannical lunatic, and, most importantly of all, a nice pat on the head for Donald Trump from his owner and North Korea apologist, Vladimir “Make Russia G-8 Again” Putin.

Tune in at 8 p.m. for the pre-game hype, as several heavily made-up women in tiny dresses sit with their legs crossed in front of tantalizingly-situated cameras, flanking one or two slightly flabby middle-aged men, while they all talk breathlessly about how historic and Trumpy this all is. And then, of course, Hannity and Gorka take over at 9 p.m., as the world fantasizes about the heavily made-up women in tiny dresses while awaiting the fashionably late arrival of the two stars of our show. 

Don’t forget to pee during the commercial break before the staged action starts, because Lord knows you’ll be glued to the set from then on. Will Trump suddenly demand that Putin be named the new president of a united Korea? Will Dennis Rodman jump out of a cake? Will Kim be accompanied by those cute, fear-controlled sex-slaves the American media loved so much when North Korea used them as Olympic cheerleaders?

We’ll know soon enough! Well, too soon, actually.

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