Big News You Need to Know

A quick review of some major, extremely important, perhaps even life-altering headlines, along with the official Limbo response to these shocking developments:

Donald Trump is angry about the weekend programming on Fox News, feeling that the network ought to be more consistent in serving the interests and attitudes of Trump and his fan club, which after all was their primary mission throughout 2016 and beyond, as evidenced by the fact that Mitch McConnell’s wife, who was on the board at Fox at the time, explicitly forbade anyone from criticizing Trump on air during the primaries, and was rewarded (by Mitch the Puppet-Master) with one of “Trump’s” first cabinet appointments.

In other words, for all his brazen accusations of “fake news” against CNN and the rest of the so-called mainstream media, Trump is in fact the most overt exploiter and beneficiary of fake news, and is currently frustrated that his favorite bathroom viewing is, to his mind, less uniformly deferential to him than it used to be. 

As usual with this jester who would be king, Trump fails to understand that he is not the one pulling the strings, but rather that he is merely the tool of establishment forces miles beyond the extent of his tiny outstretched hands, to be used and thrown away at will, like the practically convenient but ultimately untidy refuse he is.

Since we have mentioned Mitch McConnell, our next story should be the shocking, almost unfathomable news, breaking today, that a Democrat is going to run against him in Kentucky in 2020. I know, it’s hard to believe, let alone accept, that a rival party should intend to run a candidate against the Republican senator, but there it is.

And to make matters even more dire, some intrepid investigators have turned up evidence that a couple of McConnell’s ancestors owned slaves in Alabama — most of them female (oh my god!) — back during the time when many southerners owned slaves and the practice was considered normal and legal. And, as the news reports of this remarkable fact are emphatic in noting, McConnell himself is opposed to reparations for the descendants of slaves. Aha! Now we understand why! He’s a slave owner by blood! Of course! Who else, after all, could oppose something as uncomplicated, obvious, and evidently just and righteous as paying black Americans of today billions of dollars of tax money in alleged compensation for something that was done, as a sad matter of (then) common and legal practice, to someone allegedly in their blood line a hundred and seventy-five years ago?

By the way, to return to the McConnell “issue” for the moment, it is certain that this news about his great-great-grandfathers is supposed to color (cute no-pun-intended word choice, right?) his opposition to slave reparations, with the implication being that he has a deeply compromising conflict of interest on the issue, such that his declared political opinion on the subject must be dismissed as illegitimate. (The real conflict of interest here, unbeknownst to the shallow-pated mainstreamers, is that McConnell himself owns one slave now, and is afraid of having this come back to haunt his own descendants in the future, should there ever be a push for reparations to the children of orange presidents.)

And McConnell is just the tip of the iceberg, since this great-great-grandfather nonsense has a very clever broad brush implication, namely that someone is disqualified from modern political debate, let alone public office, simply by virtue of being a white person with a long family lineage in the American South. This makes sense only in a progressive world in which being a multi-generation white American by birth is seen as a black mark (another cute unintended pun, eh?) on one’s record, not to mention one’s soul.

Having said all this, in truth I hope this leftist propaganda campaign against McConnell’s family history succeeds, and that he gets trounced by his Democratic challenger in 2020. He is arguably the single most fraudulent and dangerous elected official in Washington, bearing substantial personal responsibility for the demise of the grassroots Tea Party movement and the rise, in its place, of the Trump cult. (Did I mention that his wife personally protected Trump at Fox, and was subsequently awarded a comfy cabinet position?) 

A federal appeals court has ruled that Donald Trump, as the sitting President, is violating the First Amendment when he blocks users he doesn’t like from his Twitter account. Because his own damn spokesman once said Trump’s tweets are “official statements from the President,” which pretty much establishes that they are not just private social media use of the sort that Trump has always engaged in, like millions of other empty-headed attention-seekers. 

That seals it, then. There is only one way to prevent Trump’s critics from shouting anything they want at him on Twitter, and furthermore to prevent Trump himself from shouting anything he wants at them on Twitter, and the solution is obvious: Stop letting Trump go to the bathroom unmonitored. In other words, stop him from acting out on social media during his official time as “the sitting President.”

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