Try “New and Improved Mueller Report”!

Well, the Mueller report on Russian interference in the 2016 election (aka “the heavily redacted Mueller report,” in the words of the mainstream media) has been released, and, without having read one word of it, I can tell you that it proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that everyone in Washington is exactly what he or she is and has always been.

Headline: “Ocasio-Cortez says she will sign Trump impeachment resolution.” Startling news there. I’m shocked, outraged, and deeply impressed. And doesn’t Alexandria look super-serious, young, and focused in the picture accompanying that story, exactly like one of the chicks on LA Law or whatever!

And whose “impeachment resolution” would that be? Naturally, Rashida Tlaib’s. Tlaib is the recently elected congresswoman from Michigan who, along with fellow newbie Ilhan Omar of Minnesota — the younger and prettier one — is leading the next wave of global caliphate infiltration in U.S. government. Tlaib, amusingly, just made the following comment at the Michigan Coalition for Human Rights: “Honestly I’ve never felt more Palestinian than I ever felt in Congress.” (You could spend the rest of your life parsing that sentence, and you would never figure out what it “ever” meant.)

Tlaib then went on to say this:

“Even in Palestine when I’m visiting my grandmother, I’m more Amrikiin [American], to the Palestinians. But I’m more Palestinian in the halls of Congress than I am anywhere in the country, in the world. And that just tells you just the fact that they weren’t ready for us. They really weren’t,” she said.

Who, if I may ask, are “us” in that statement? Maybe, Congresswoman, “they” weren’t ready for a member of Congress who still identifies herself as part of an “us” distinct from the identity of the “they” who work in Congress. “They,” Congresswoman, are Americans, elected to represent the interests of their fellow Americans. What are you, such that you “ever” feel more Palestinian among them than you feel anywhere else? I suppose we might get a hint from the story of your having blotted out Israel from your office map during your first day as a Congresswoman.

Anyway, Ocasio-Cortez is all hyped-up to declare that she’ll be signing Tlaib’s impeachment resolution, by golly! Dumb and Dumber.

Meanwhile, Nixon White House counsel John Dean says the Mueller report (aka “the heavily redacted…”) is “more damning” than the Watergate report. Well, that seals it. In fact, Dean goes further than just defending his own former boss by claiming the current administration is even more corrupt (which is quite a defense by the way). He claims he has gone to “the shelf” and pulled off other reports from presidential investigations — Iran-Contra, the Starr report — and doggone it if this one isn’t “more damning” than any of them!  

Just in case anyone is curious — no one at CNN will be, of course — John Dean, former Nixon White House counsel, served prison time as a convicted felon for his role in the Watergate cover-up, though his sentence was reduced because he turned on his old boss and gave evidence for the prosecution. Another Michael Cohen, in other words. And he wrote a book criticizing the George W. Bush administration, Worse than Watergate — notice a theme here? And last August, Trump himself called Dean a “RAT” on Twitter, in the context of praising his own WH counsel’s testimony before Congress. But this expert witness, without any axes to grind I’m sure, insists the Mueller report is the “most damning” of them all. So it must be true.

I merely mean to point out that Mueller’s report is nothing but a color enhancer, the kind of “news” that allows everyone to come out and say, more strongly than ever, exactly what he would have said anyway, but to pretend he’s just arrived at this position through the objective examination of some startling new revelations. Like almost all such “major stories” in today’s tribal political world, it functions as a laundry detergent that promises to “make your whites whiter!”

Did Trump try to obstruct or interfere with the Mueller investigation in ways that might have legal ramifications if anyone wanted to pursue the matter? Yes, and we all knew that. 

Did Mueller turn his investigation into something of a “perjury trap,” in which the alleged crimes being investigated became secondary to the endless testimony demanded under oath, designed to “find” (i.e., create) inconsistencies and “cover-ups”? Yes, very likely, and again, we all sort of knew that.

Did members of Trump’s campaign team have questionable ties to foreign entities, seek contacts and information from (alleged) foreign operatives, and so on? Yes, and we knew all of that.

Was there direct collusion between Donald Trump and the Russian government, related to the presidential campaign? Probably not directly — Trump isn’t smart enough for that, and the Kremlin isn’t dumb enough to trust someone that stupid.

In the end, this is all just media hype and politics-as-usual talking points. The Trump administration is corrupt and unworthy for reasons far beyond anything anyone will find in the Mueller report. And Trump’s Democratic critics, with their impeachment resolutions and their righteous cries for justice, are communists and Islamists with no more credibility than your average radical subversives ever have, and may therefore be dismissed as irrelevant to the search for truth.

The final tally: Everyone loses, yet again — except, of course, for the people who seek wealth and illegitimate power from spouting worthless talking points, and the people who make their living from publicizing those talking points, and the people who chase money and applause by faking outrage and indignation on behalf of one or the other side of these talking points.

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