Trump family on death’s door

You heard it here first. Donald Trump is almost dead. Melania Trump is also nearly dead. Barron Trump, naturally, is dying too, along with every other person within a twelve mile radius of Donald Trump’s hair. 

Yes, the horrifying truth is now out: Donald and Melania have tested positive for the Most Deadly Virus in the History of Pandemics. If we are even half-receptive to the atmosphere of terror that has been propagated by the world’s news media over the past nine months, then we know, beyond any hysterical doubt, that over three-quarters of all coronavirus cases result in death, or at least in long-term coma leading to permanent hair loss. And for senior citizens like Trump, the mortality rate “soars” to an “unprecedented,” “apocalyptic” 127%. 

USA Today reports that Trump has a “60% chance of being symptomatic,” which we know for certain because we absolutely know exactly how many people on this Earth have contracted this virus — every single one of them — and exactly how many of those have exhibited symptoms. And “being symptomatic,” in this era of zero tolerance for sniffles, is merely a euphemism for “Cause of Death: COVID-19.” In fact, so certain a death sentence is this terrifying plague-like contagion that if Trump, Melania, Barron, and the rest of the gang are not dead in two weeks, this will be proof positive that the whole “positive test” story was pure pre-election hype designed to give Trump a pity boost in the polls. 


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