Headlines To Die For

Some prominent headlines I read today during a five-minute scan of the mainstream news media:

“U.S. coronavirus death toll tops 130,000 amid surge”

“Fauci: Avg. patient age has dropped by 15 years”

“Atlanta mayor tests positive for coronavirus”

“239 Experts With One Big Claim: The Coronavirus Is Airborne”

“35-year-old bodybuilder with COVID-19 talks about near-death experience”

“Formerly Robust Athlete Loses More Than 60 Lbs. After Nearly Dying from Coronavirus”

Each of those headlines is clearly meant to be read with an implied exclamation mark, and to stoke extreme fear, thereby provoking desperate and complete submission to authority.

Younger people are testing positive for COVID-19 now, and “nearly” dying! The death toll continues to go up, rather than down! People who go off their steroid cycles for several weeks while ill tend to lose weight and muscle tone! Even public figures can get the flu (with or without symptoms)! Dr. Fauci’s pants are on fire!

Reading such headlines, however, I can’t help feeling that even the communist media, hellbent on the propagandistic and profiteering advantages of causing and sustaining mass hysteria, are becoming a little tired of their own story, and therefore running out of original forms of alarm to jolt you with.

Let us help them out a bit, shall we? If any of you know anyone working in the Marxism-for-profit news media, please pass along the following suggestions, courtesy of your friendly headline writers in Limbo.

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Your Coronavirus Headlines of Tomorrow!

“Is COVID-19 learning to speak?”

“Dr. Fauci: Even asymptomatic COVID-19 ‘survivors’ will die someday”

“Professor: Coronavirus May Have Voted for Trump”

“Sasquatch tests positive for COVID-19”

“New coronavirus strain may be able to turn off ventilators”

“Coronavirus Turns Transgender Woman Into Biological Man”

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