Clash of the Titans

The citizens of the world — nay, the universe — are waiting with breathless anticipation (i.e., they are already dead) for the first titanic reality TV battle between Donald “The Dullard” Trump and Joe “Jughead” Biden. For those of you, however, who, like this author, no longer count yourselves among the citizens of the universe, I provide the following premonitory review of the great event, offered from the pre-established and utterly immovable perspectives of the morons who actually intend to waste two hours of their locked-down lives watching these doddering dimwits debate over which half of the U.S. Uniparty establishment should get the bulk of the spoils for the next four years. Think of this as your Rashomon debate synopsis: four points of view, all or none of them true, and every angle dolled up to paint the witness himself in the wisest and noblest light.

The hardcore progressive Democrats will say the Fox debate was rigged to hurt Biden, but nevertheless that their man killed Trump on his taxes, the pandemic, and the supreme court situation — although Bernie would have gone for the jugular and been more effective on the tyranny of the one percent and the need for socialized healthcare. 

The mainstream Democratic voters, who will only watch the highlights of the debate on the after-shows, because they have primetime comedies to watch during the actual debate time, will feel reassured that Biden is not completely senile, that Trump is a racist like everybody says, and that Dick Cheney is Satan.

The mainstream Republican voters, who will watch with nervousness to see whether Trump does any of those Trumpy things that they keep finding themselves having to pretend are no big deal the next day, will feel reassured that Biden is senile, Trump is certainly not a racist, and the economy is obviously going to be healthier with a Republican president — and heck, “Trump has turned out to be a lot better than I expected.”

The Trump cult, that weird amalgamation of former Tea Party conservatives, celebrity junkies, and nationalist militia dreamers, will insist that Fox has gone soft and is trying to destroy Trump, that Trump’s vulgarity is his genius, and that as badly as their idol destroyed Biden, he would have done it even more effectively if his handlers hadn’t reined him in and had instead allowed him to make more jokes about Biden’s senility, and about how he wouldn’t even want to grab Kamala Harris if he had the chance, because she’s too ugly.

There you are; now you can skip the awful truth and watch the real Rashomon instead. Great film!

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