Tomorrow’s Headlines (Loosely Based on Today’s)
Below, I provide an advance sampling of the mainstream news headlines you will be seeing over the next couple of days. I have deliberately omitted the opinion essays, which of course express bias by definition, in favor of limiting my survey to the unbiased, objective news reportage from the major sources. I hope this helps you sort out your reading priorities during this confusing election season.
Expert: Biden’s lead now “statistically insurmountable.”
Trump risks infecting thousands with super-spreader public appearance.
Trump delivers divisive, hateful speech embracing violence.
Twelve times Trump overtly lied during speech.
Biden urges Americans to reject Trump’s lies and racism.
Biden’s wife: “Joe has never lied.”
Progressives encourage Biden to care even more about ordinary people than he already does.
Pence called “sexist, misogynistic” by leading women.
BeyoncĂ© “begs” to play Kamala Harris role in movie.
Trump says mean things about Biden, who is actually a down-to-Earth, wonderful person.
Trump falsely suggests Biden is not intelligent.
Biden rips Trump’s proven lies.
Puppies run toward Biden, run away from Trump.
9 out of 10 women say they fear being raped by Trump.
Marla Maples: “Donald sometimes used offensive language.”
Biden family issues statement: “Our beloved Joe will be a great president.”
Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love” inspired by Biden, book claims.
Doctor: Millions of Americans would not die during Biden presidency.
There you have it. I note, by way of verifying the authenticity of the above headlines, that I am a very authentic person, and one without a dog in this fight. That is to say, I offer this sneak peek at tomorrow’s news not as any kind of tribal mission or partisan outrage, but merely to represent the truth about today’s media as I see it. I am far too rational to think either of the leading candidates in this race would do anything but continue to smash the remaining bits of an already broken nation; and too uncompromising a defender of human freedom to think either of these punks deserves the privilege of voting in a U.S. election, let alone winning one.