Tomorrow’s Headlines (Loosely Based on Today’s)

Below, I provide an advance sampling of the mainstream news headlines you will be seeing over the next couple of days. I have deliberately omitted the opinion essays, which of course express bias by definition, in favor of limiting my survey to the unbiased, objective news reportage from the major sources. I hope this helps you sort out your reading priorities during this confusing election season.

Expert: Biden’s lead now “statistically insurmountable.”

Trump risks infecting thousands with super-spreader public appearance.

Trump delivers divisive, hateful speech embracing violence.

Twelve times Trump overtly lied during speech.

Biden urges Americans to reject Trump’s lies and racism.

Biden’s wife: “Joe has never lied.”

Progressives encourage Biden to care even more about ordinary people than he already does.

Pence called “sexist, misogynistic” by leading women.

BeyoncĂ© “begs” to play Kamala Harris role in movie.

Trump says mean things about Biden, who is actually a down-to-Earth, wonderful person.

Trump falsely suggests Biden is not intelligent.

Biden rips Trump’s proven lies.

Puppies run toward Biden, run away from Trump.

9 out of 10 women say they fear being raped by Trump.

Marla Maples: “Donald sometimes used offensive language.”

Biden family issues statement: “Our beloved Joe will be a great president.”

Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love” inspired by Biden, book claims.

Doctor: Millions of Americans would not die during Biden presidency.

There you have it. I note, by way of verifying the authenticity of the above headlines, that I am a very authentic person, and one without a dog in this fight. That is to say, I offer this sneak peek at tomorrow’s news not as any kind of tribal mission or partisan outrage, but merely to represent the truth about today’s media as I see it. I am far too rational to think either of the leading candidates in this race would do anything but continue to smash the remaining bits of an already broken nation; and too uncompromising a defender of human freedom to think either of these punks deserves the privilege of voting in a U.S. election, let alone winning one.

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