Tomorrow’s Headlines (Loosely Based on Today’s)
Below, I provide an advance sampling of the mainstream news headlines you will be seeing over the next couple of days. I have deliberately omitted the opinion essays, which of course express bias by definition, in favor of limiting my survey to the unbiased, objective news reportage from the major sources. I hope this helps you sort out your reading priorities during this confusing election season.
Expert: Biden’s lead now “statistically insurmountable.”
Trump risks infecting thousands with super-spreader public appearance.
Trump delivers divisive, hateful speech embracing violence.
Twelve times Trump overtly lied during speech.
Biden urges Americans to reject Trump’s lies and racism.
Biden’s wife: “Joe has never lied.”
Progressives encourage Biden to care even more about ordinary people than he already does.
Pence called “sexist, misogynistic” by leading women.
Beyoncé “begs” to play Kamala Harris role in movie.
Trump says mean things about Biden, who is actually a down-to-Earth, wonderful person.
Trump falsely suggests Biden is not intelligent.
Biden rips Trump’s proven lies.
Puppies run toward Biden, run away from Trump.
9 out of 10 women say they fear being raped by Trump.
Marla Maples: “Donald sometimes used offensive language.”
Biden family issues statement: “Our beloved Joe will be a great president.”
Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love” inspired by Biden, book claims.
Doctor: Millions of Americans would not die during Biden presidency.
There you have it. I note, by way of verifying the authenticity of the above headlines, that I am a very authentic person, and one without a dog in this fight. That is to say, I offer this sneak peek at tomorrow’s news not as any kind of tribal mission or partisan outrage, but merely to represent the truth about today’s media as I see it. I am far too rational to think either of the leading candidates in this race would do anything but continue to smash the remaining bits of an already broken nation; and too uncompromising a defender of human freedom to think either of these punks deserves the privilege of voting in a U.S. election, let alone winning one.