Mueller Report Fever

“Aha!” shout the Trumpers. 

Robert Mueller’s two-year investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election is now complete, and the final report recommends no further indictments. The cultists, of course, are declaring this a great victory over Trump’s critics, because it proves…well, it proves that contrary to everything they and their idol have been screaming and whining about for two years, Mueller wasn’t on a witch hunt after all, but merely doing the job for which he was appointed, and that, contrary to their wildest conspiracy fantasies, he was merely following the evidence where it led him, with no preconceived intention of providing the Democrats with “impeachable offenses” or manufacturing criminal charges against the Trump family. Was there ever a real witch hunt that found no witches to burn?

In other words, it turns out that the cultists’ dire fantasies of a “rigged” investigation supported with Democrat-funded lies — fantasies on which they have been feeding their immature egos and fostering their cultish adoration of their brave, persecuted hero for two years, were all nonsense. A few people with important connections to Trump and his campaign have been exposed in criminal behavior, some of it involving the election and Russia. But there is apparently no “smoking gun,” real or manufactured, connecting any of this to Trump personally.

The infamous Steele dossier was not treated as conclusive evidence. Peter Strzok’s supposed “insurance policy” had nothing to do with a deep-state takedown of a sitting president.

And best of all — if only they had the rationality to understand this — if the Trump-lovers’ favorite administration whipping boy, former attorney-general Jeff Sessions, had shut the whole thing down at the outset as they (and Trump) wished, rather than recusing himself, then this final report that seemingly exonerates Trump would never have been written; no legal wedge would ever have been definitively driven between Trump associates Paul Manafort, Roger Stone, and Michael Flynn on the one hand, and the Trump family on the other; and the Democrats would never have lost their talking points about Trump personally conspiring with the Russian government to steal the election from Hillary Clinton. 

Now, all thanks to Mueller’s investigation, Trump seems to be in the clear with regard to legal jeopardy in any of the well-known Russian attempts to wreak havoc with the election; the serious financial offenses of Manafort, a longtime Washington operative with highly questionable overseas interests, have been exposed and punished; and the Democrats’ highest hopes on the impeachment front have been officially and thoroughly crushed. 

Will Trump now call Mueller his great friend, and appoint him as his new attorney-general? I’m only half-joking, since there is nothing so ridiculous that one cannot easily imagine this White House doing it.

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