Global Warming Strikes Korea, Signals Apocalypse (with pictures!)

On January 10th, global warming delivered an ominous message to the south coast of Korea: a rare snowstorm. This fall and winter have been colder than normal — evidence, as we all know, that the planet is getting warmer; and the sudden snowfall in a region that sees such events only once every few years only highlights just how much warmer it is. It’s so warm that Koreans have unexpectedly been subjected to a disturbing, one might even say apocalyptic, sight that many of them had never witnessed: the sky falling — in the visible form of an incalculable number of small white things descending upon the Earth.

Global warming shrinks Romania

Koreans are shaken today, as well they should be, given what has already happened to other unsuspecting countries (see the case of Romania in the adjacent picture). But for those relics of modernity still given to Al Gore-denial (aka, common sense), or to cynically rejecting the circular arguments and self-vindicating computer models of the climate scientists’ pseudo-academic echo chamber (aka, refusing to sacrifice their reason), or “in the pocket of Big Oil” (aka, not in any way affiliated with any oil companies), the experts’ explication of the fundamental scientific truth of our progressive age — a warming climate not only causes warmer weather, but also colder weather, wetter weather, drier weather, and absolutely unchanged weather — is apparently not enough to wake them from their dogmatically rational slumbers. The ubiquitous indoctrination by global warming’s profiteering millionaires, and the specious science of the government grant-seekers, have thus far failed to win the hearts and minds of the deniers. Some people are simply too stubborn to submit before the god of progressive wish-fulfillment fantasy, insisting instead upon such remnants of their oppressive patriarchy as evidence and experience.

For those deniers, or those among them still open-minded enough to admit the evidence of their own eyes, I give you a photographic record of Wednesday’s convulsion of the warming planet, and of this convulsion’s cataclysmic aftermath.

Global warming causes blindness


Global warming causes pointillism


…and more pointillism

…and strange, oversized mushrooms

…and abandoned offices

…and ROTC complexes suddenly appearing in Christmas cards

Soccer nets stranded due to global warming

…and nature becomes dangerously beautiful

But the real horror, and the evidence that the damage we have done to our planet with all this warming may have disturbed powers even higher than the United Nations (pardon my blasphemy), appears in the following pictures, which, collectively, we may call The Seven Seals of the Climatocalypse:

Seal 1: “And they shall see bigly hands with short fingers.”

Seal 2: “And the birds shall cease living on the ground and begin seeking high places.”

Seal 3: “The Earth shall be girded with strange, concentric circles.”

Seal 4: “And lo, a mysterious light shall appear in the eastern sky.”

Seal 5: “An angel shall descend into their green world.”

Seal 6: “A lone hound shall depart across the white desert.”

Seal 7: “A generation of adults, returning unto their childhood, shall seek to create a new race of men.”

The prophecy is fulfilled, global warming is upon us, the Earth has gone deathly cold.

Oh, I know, I know, global warming doesn’t work that way — except when it does, of course.

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