Election News

When Cyber Ninjas, the Trump-friendly group of something-or-others with no experience or knowledge related to the fields of election procedure and election audits, delayed the release of its Maricopa County audit results, citing one member’s illness, I assumed that this delay was an attempt to buy time as the group searched for a way to escape the Trump cult’s wrath over its findings. Now that their results have been published, showing no evidence of widespread fraud, you know it is only a matter of days before the cult and its information sources are in universal agreement on the disturbing truth revealed by this result: Cyber Ninjas were in on the conspiracy too! The only question left is whether they were part of the scheme all along, or were bought off by George Soros at the last moment when he realized they had uncovered the software used to rig all the Arizona voting machines. 

Whichever side of that vexed question they finally come down on, the one thing we all know for sure is that TRUMP WON and the election was STOLEN, and that the complete lack of any evidence to support these two facts — facts trumpeted by Trump weeks before the election, because in his omniscience he could easily see all the fraudulent schemes even before any votes had been counted anywhere (though he chose, in his infinite wisdom, not to explain the details of his precognition to the world) — only proves how true these facts are, and how diabolical is the world’s effort to prevent the one true god from being king of the world forever and ever.

The weird part of the above assessment is that, try as I might, I cannot find a way to parody their thinking so as to make the Trump cult sound sillier than they really sound. Every attempt at parody only ends up being outdone by their actual beliefs and claims.

One small example of this problem, coming from one of the Trumper Ninja spokesmen who delivered the bad news at the official Arizona hearing. The gentleman explained that the audited county’s election computer system was vulnerable to hacking, which he expressed in ominous and authoritative tones clearly intended to suggest that this was circumstantial evidence of massive vote fraud.

Two responses to this disturbing finding:

First, every computer on the planet, if it is, or has ever been, connected to the internet, is vulnerable to hacking, as the past few years of enormous hacks of major corporations and government agencies around the world have more than satisfactorily proved. It itself, then, this vulnerability amounts to nothing more than the observation that Maricopa County uses computers. Yes, they do. 

Second, in direct reply to the implied logic of the scary-music undertones of the allegation of vulnerable computers, the fact that a computer could have been hacked in no way, shape, or form proves, or even suggests, that any such hacking took place, let alone that any particular result was achieved by any hypothetical hacker. An analogy: With the exception of a couple of years in graduate school when I lived alone in a tiny bachelor apartment, I have slept almost every night of my entire life in a home shared with one or more able-bodied adults who knew where the kitchen knives were. Each of those thousands and thousands of nights, I spent hours unconscious in such company, and thus vulnerable to fatal attack to a degree than which none could be higher. According to Trumper Ninja logic, this vulnerability may be cited as strong circumstantial evidence that I am dead.

Meanwhile, in my home country, an early and unnecessary election was just held at the whim of Justin Trudeau, the result of which was no change from the pre-election state of things. In other words, hundreds of millions of tax dollars and endless other legitimate priorities of life and government were just flushed down the toilet to accomplish nothing whatsoever. Canada in a nutshell.

For almost my entire life, Canada has been governed by a socialist named Trudeau, or by an old progressive henchmen or lackey of a Trudeau. The years when this has not been true have always felt like a mere stopgap period, as the so-called Conservative Party (formerly and more honestly named the Progressive Conservative Party) is allowed to play Liberal Lite for a few years until the next Trudeau or Trudeau-esque leader is ready to take the helm of the Castro North Express.

If I had the nature and capacity to identify myself with any country or nationality, I would be ashamed of my home country. Luckily, I have no such nature or capacity, so I can just be disgusted. 

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