When the Slime at the Bottom of Any Old Barrel Is Your King

Donald Trump, proving himself yet again to be the softest of soft tacos, has answered his own recent weakly-uttered and moral-equivalency-diluted half-criticism of Vladimir Putin’s maniacal bloodlust by immediately, and in the most public way, returning to his knees before his master, in the process thereby returning his country, the former United States of America, to the status of unequivocal fellow traveller of, and apologist for, Russia’s tyrannical aggression.

Ukraine, in a glorious refutation of the Trump administration’s sinister efforts to undermine that brave country’s fight for survival, its president’s legitimacy, and its people’s right to self-determination, has carried out one of the most spectacularly successful military operations in modern history, laying waste to a significant proportion of Russia’s air power in brilliantly coordinated secret attacks, in the process making a laughingstock of the parochial and Putin-propagandizing “you don’t have any cards” diatribe Trump spewed during his infamous group mugging of Volodymyr Zelensky in the Gilded Toilet, i.e., the erstwhile Oval Office.

Trump’s response to this Ukrainian triumph over terrible odds and heel-dragging “allies”? Would he dare to say what a real American president — literally any American president but himself and perhaps Barack Obama — would have said in similar circumstances, namely, “If this strategic disaster doesn’t demonstrate once and for all to Vladimir Putin that he is playing a losing hand, and had better start suing for peace while he still has some semblance of a grip on power in a country that will surely turn on him if he continues to lose young men, Russian treasure, and national respectability at the current rate”? Needless to say, no, Trump would dare to say no such thing. “Dare” is not a concept generally applicable to the choices of world-historical cowards, blowhards, and fakers. And so Trump, as if right on cue (and I say “as if” ironically, since of course I believe there is nothing ambiguous about his true motives here), quickly gets on the phone with his Kremlin leash holder, takes his marching orders, and then immediately takes to his social media platform to say what he has been told to say.

Specifically:

I just finished speaking, by telephone, with President Vladimir Putin, of Russia. [The “of Russia” insertion was presumably a nervous twitch whereby Trump sought to evade the obvious implication of the phrase “President Vladimir Putin” when spoken by him, namely that Putin is the de facto president of the United States.] The call lasted approximately one hour and 15 minutes. We discussed the attack on Russia’s docked airplanes, by Ukraine, and also various other attacks that have been taking place by both sides. [The reference to the Ukrainian attack on “docked airplanes” is clearly designed to insinuate some sort of illegitimacy, and the additional “by both sides” qualification adds to the tone of moral equivalency that nullifies any hint of negativity towards the unambiguous aggressor in this war, as though both assailant and victim were equally to blame for the continuing conflict.] It was a good conversation, but not a conversation that will lead to immediate Peace. [“A good conversation” is Trump’s way of reminding you that he is Putin’s friend, and that Putin has nothing but respect for Trump himself and nothing but decency in his heart for the United States. Meanwhile, “not a conversation that will lead to immediate Peace” is Trump’s set-up, or should we say Set-Up, for his pre-emptive apology for Putin’s inevitable and unjust reprisal, which follows in the next sentence.] President Putin [still of Russia, we must presume] did say, and very strongly, that he will have to respond to the recent attack on the airfields. [That is to say, Trump’s master asserted “very strongly” (strongly enough to make Little Donald wet his pants, we may reasonably guess), that he, Putin, the American/Russian president, “will have to respond” to the Ukrainian act of national self-defense — “will have to” being apologist-speak for “has every right to,” which means Trump in no way discouraged Putin from thinking he could get away with such an outrage, or even that the United States might in principle object to such a response.] 

From here, Trump goes right off the rails into complete grovelling sycophant mode. I know, with anyone else you would quickly object here, “How could grovelling get any more complete than what Trump has already said?” But this is Trump, and therefore the humiliating ring-kissing I have quoted thus far would almost have to be regarded as bravery, by Trumpian standards, compared to what comes next.

We also discussed Iran, and the fact that time is running out on Iran’s decision pertaining to nuclear weapons, which must be made quickly! [How quickly(!), then, since so far Trump is in his fifth year of presidency and has accomplished exactly nothing toward reversing the leniency toward Iran that Republicans used to complain of when it was Obama’s policy, rather than Trump’s? And why would Trump even be discussing this issue with Putin at this time, unless Trump, were he actually the American president, were intending to warn Putin to keep his scheming nose out of the matter altogether? But of course Trump had no such intention, since he is not the American president, at least while he is in the presence of Putin, much as Darth Vader was, as we eventually learned in the second Star Wars movie, not the leader of the dark side of the Force, but merely an agent of an emperor far more powerful than himself.] I stated to President Putin [seriously, why this continual deferential formality of “President Putin”?] that Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon and, on this, I believe that we were in agreement. President Putin suggested that he will participate in the discussions with Iran and that he could, perhaps, be helpful in getting this brought to a rapid conclusion. [Yes, His Dummy Royal Highness really just said that he is going to grant Putin the legitimacy of involving himself in the Iran nuclear negotiations, as though he could still be regarded as a strategic ally or partner, rather than as the deadly and committed enemy of the U.S., its allies, the cause of freedom, and the entire global order.] It is my opinion that Iran has been slowwalking their decision on this very important matter, and we will need a definitive answer in a very short period of time!

Notice that Trump brings out the exclamation marks most consistently when he knows he is blowing smoke, in this case specifically using the urgency (!) of the Iran issue as a ruse to distract his audience from the fact that he just announced his latest full cave-in to Putin on Ukraine, while proposing to boost Putin’s utility and legitimacy as a beneficial player in the cause of nuclear non-proliferation, on which, as he says, “I believe that we were in agreement.” But why does Putin still deserve the honor of being treated as a useful partner or a source of important agreement about anything? Why is Trump continually responding to Ukraine’s great advances by simultaneously throwing shade at Zelensky and a lifeline to Putin? Why is he so adamant and desperate in his need to save Putin from mockery, humiliation, defeat, and the coup that must be brewing within Russia, but that is rhetorically and morally weakened every time this alleged American president publicly tries to win back some national and international respect and dignity for his favorite tyrant?

We could continue to pretend that we do not know the answers to all the questions I have asked in the above paragraphs. Or we could start admitting what is too obvious to be avoided, and too dangerous to be ignored. I know, of course, what “we” will in fact do. But it never hurts to point out the real choice, whether anyone has the mind or heart left to make it or not. For this is how those of us on the outside (of everything, as it now appears) maintain our own sense of sanity and dignity in the face of the absurd.