Trump’s New Campaign Slogan Unveiled

The Taliban, a terrorist organization that wishes to rule Afghanistan as the nightmare version of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club, that supported the Al Qaeda attacks on the U.S. in 2001, and that has been at war with U.S. and Afghan forces since those attacks, has just killed several people, including Americans, with a car bomb, because that’s what they do when they are not destroying ancient religious monuments, training new Islamic terrorists, and contriving to turn all women into walking curtains. 

In response, Donald Trump revealed that he had been planning a secret meeting with the Taliban at Camp David, set for three days before the anniversary of 9/11, which he has cancelled only due to this latest bombing.

Here’s His Dummy Royal Highness’s own throne room declaration on the matter:

This is quintessential Trump, talking tough about how the party to which he was trying to grovel and surrender just isn’t showing enough respect for the tattered white flag he was flying for them. Some people, both for and against, have at times compared Trump to Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy 2.0, I suppose: Speak loudly and carry a tiny little stick.

This is the same Trump who, as many have already pointed out, lambasted Barack Obama on Twitter in 2012 for daring to negotiate with America’s enemies, the Taliban. But of course when Trump himself does it, and does it with more cowardice and anti-American skullduggery than even Obama could have mustered, his millions of clapping seals chant, “Go get ’em, O Orange One!”

I guess selling out South Korea and Japan by handing the farm to North Korea without demanding anything whatsoever in return, while meekly defending Vladimir Putin’s interests at every international summit, isn’t quite enough totalitarian shoe-shining for one presidential term. For the ultimate pre-election coup, apparently Trump is hoping to finish the job by effectively spitting on the graves of the thousands of American servicemen who have died in the Afghan desert, all so that Donnie can have a Rose Garden moment announcing peace in our time, without regard for any of the principles sacrificed in the process, or any of the global threats his glaringly obvious weakness is inviting down the road.

So I think I’ve finally isolated the proper slogan for the 2020 version of the red hats: “We Surrender! Winning!”

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