Global Warming Freezes Bums Off

Pond dwellers cut off from food source, likely to die someday

This fall in Korea was colder than normal. Mention this obvious fact to anyone who hasn’t been living under an ice floe these past twenty years, and you will see the wheels turning: “Should we talk about the cause of this unusually cold weather, or leave it unstated but understood?”

The cause in question, of course, is global warming. How do we know this? Simple:

Everything is caused by global warming;
A cold fall is a thing;

Therefore, a cold fall is caused by global warming.

If, however, you happen to find yourself trapped in conversation with one of those simpletons who continue to deny the settled science of climate-change-in-absolutely-any-direction-may-only-be-explained-according-to-the-causal-paradigm-that-used-to-be-used-to-prove-that-winters-were-a-thing-of-the-past-but-is-now-to-be-used-to-prove-that-winters-will-become-more-fierce-than-ever-unless-and-until-winters-suddenly-seem-not-to-be-so-dang-cold-anymore-at-which-time-we’ll-go-back-to-calling-the-paradigm-global-warming-and-pretend-those-warmer-winters-were-exactly-what-we-had-predicted-all-along (or cciaadmobeattcptutbutptwwatotpbintbut-ptwwbmfteuauwssntbsdcaawtwgbtctpgwapt-wwwewwhpaa for short), and you cannot simply dismiss the denier in the usual way, namely by calling him/her a racist, a homophobe, an anti-science knuckle-dragger, or a hate criminal, then I suggest you refer said denier to the above photographic evidence.

As you can clearly see, birds are walking on ice. The poor things are trapped, unable to swim on this mysteriously frozen pond water, and therefore cut off from their food supply. Scientists or people who demand that we all defer to the settled science of cciaadmobeattcptutbutptwwatotpbintbut-ptwwbmfteuauwssntbsdcaawtwgbtctpgwapt-wwwewwhpaa unanimously agree that “all of the birds shown here will die at some point in the future, DUE TO THE CLIMATE (or to natural causes).”

The experts see three possible scenarios as particular concerns:

  1. The birds begin to feel silly walking around on ice rather than swimming in water, and this stigmatizing awkwardness — a violation of their transportational self-identity — constituting metaphorical violence against their persons, leads to their metaphorical deaths.
  2. The goose in the foreground sees zir reflection in the ice, causing zir to realize that ze is not an ugly duckling — thus violating zir chosen species identity — and therefore ze metaphorically dies of systemic oppression.
  3. The birds, to avoid outcome 1, above, try to engage in their natural activity of swimming in a pond rendered unswimmable by the effects of cciaadmobeattcptutbutptwwatotpbintbut-ptwwbmfteuauwssntbsdcaawtwgbtctpgwapt-wwwewwhpaa, and consequently freeze their bums off.

If the denier you are confronting is not silenced by these arguments, then there is no hope of him/her listening to reason, and you have no recourse but to revert to Plan A: Call him/her a racist, a homophobe, an anti-science knuckle-dragger, or a hate criminal. 

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