Santa: Superspreader!

Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. — I suspect we will not be hearing that middle name too often in the mainstream media — is out there today courageously urging his fellow Americans to overcome their fears, to come together with strength as the American people always have during a crisis…and to hide from each other by avoiding their loved ones at Christmas, by not traveling to spend time with family during the most important family holiday of the American year.

These powerful, brave words from J. Robinette Biden got me to thinking. How is the North American media going to deal with Santa Claus this year? Normally, his travels around the world are treated with lighthearted enthusiasm by news sources. This year, with the world’s propaganda messaging one hundred percent focused on fearmongering and mass quivering about COVID-19, it will be impossible to refer to Santa at all without the awkward little problem that no one is allowed to travel without branding himself an immoral slug, and that entering other people’s homes, let alone everyone’s home, would qualify the fat bearded one as the all-time irresponsible superspreader.

How are parents and teachers going to explain Santa’s work to their younger children and students this year? Where are those gifts going to come from? Have the elves making those toys all had the vaccine? Is Santa sending all the presents through Google Gift? Surely, Santa would never be so callous and selfish as to endanger millions of people merely to keep Dancer and Prancer employed. 

Of course, for at least seventy-five million Americans, the solution is simple: “Don’t worry children, Santa won’t be bringing coronavirus down our chimney, as his services are no longer required. Thanks to this year’s election, Santa’s miserly old one day of gift-giving is obsolete. Free stuff is about to become public policy and a year-round event. With democratic socialism, it’s goodbye Santa Claus, hello Government!”